entries

what a fucking one to get started on as an entry but lets go.
I like to think that I dissected all parts of my identity, my sexuality, or romantic attraction, I have figured out, my gender is, gendering (will also write about it), but I guess the other parts of attraction I hadn't yet until this year. I’m sharing this here because why not and I'm hoping that if anyone can relate they will feel a little less alone or confused.
Truthfully, I’m still unsure if I am on the ace spectrum, but I think I am. The hardest part was untangling romantic, aesthetic, and sexual attraction on top of my hypersexuality. I won’t go into the depths of it but

content warning now for sexual assault, because you cant really have hypersexuality without it, and just talking about sex in general, nothing explicit lol.


Sex has been survival for me, I learned at a young age that what people thought of my body had much more reality than how I personally felt in it. To uh put it bluntly, I was sexually abused when I was 7-10. Outside of this, as i got older, it didnt matter how modest or quiet or off-putting I was or the fact i literally didnt talk much to anyone, my body grew out of my control and people called me a whore for it. It wasn’t until high school I learned to weaponize this for favors, if people were going to sexualize me, goddammit I was going to get something out of it. Sex was not something *for me*. It wasn't intimacy, it wasn't care or affection, it was a bargaining chip. Something I could wager. Sex has always been something I performed, it was outside of me, and something I was acutely aware of that people only saw me as. This mindset has kinda been stuck with me since then, and I haven’t really challenged that until this year.
This got worse in adulthood when I turned to sex work for actual survival. I wouldn’t fuck for cash but food and rides were sure close enough, and I sold a decent amount online. Outside of this though, I started to notice on outings I had interpreted as dates, almost always having an expectation of sex with them. I was craving romance and affection, but I didn’t get that without sex. It didn’t help the men I was with and later my ex would reinforce this by complaining about affection, if it was such a hassle for them then surely the very least I could do was give them sex. More often than not, I didn’t want it, but I couldn’t separate this ingrained belief of any affection had the requirement of sex. Any romance was just to appease my complaints and get to sex.
My hypersexuality got infinitely worse last year after my break up with my ex, and ‘breakup’ with my situation. It was that second one that hit harder. I was doing my best to try to find comfort in all the wrong places, and found myself in very shady situations truthfully. I was doing my best to convince myself the small comfort of being held was worth the dissociation I was with people I was definitely not attracted to in any capacity, but they ‘wanted’ me so that was enough.
It did get better towards the end of the year though, I mean I feel bad I lowkey springboarded finding out my sexuality off of theirs but ultimately we learn more about ourselves with the help of others anyways. November was probably the best first date I have had ever, yet to be topped. It was the second time I had broken down during sex that year, but it wasn't for a bad reason, I just hadn't been treated like that in a minute. There was a level of tenderness and care about the situation that didn't feel like sex at all but truly intimacy (i was also genuinely sobbing the majority of the time so it was more intimacy than sex lol). There was also no pretext of sex being expected, it was something that happened naturally, there wasn't the sense of usual dread. I had felt genuinely desired for me and not my body. I didn’t know how to process all of it so I just broke. After this I had learned they are ace, and admittedly I had two somewhat selfish anxieties about it. One that I had crossed boundaries(I had not thank god) and Two, I can't rely on sex for this friendship. I have heavy abandonment issues and often if I feel fear, I use nudes and sex to ‘bring them back’, it's usually a guaranteed affection response. In hindsight, it makes sense why my boobs had received a lower enthusiasm than previous respondents, but the talk of kisses and romance were highlighted and frequently the subject of flirting(admittedly, I really miss this part of our flirting) I had to reckon that someone could want me outside of sex, want me *romantically* without the expectation of sex. This was kinda the start of me figuring things out and I took a semi oath of celibacy, I would only be indulging in my established leash holders.
We've decided to stay friends, there's many reasons but I'm not going to elaborate further here, we still indulge so I will be selfish when I can. But also, this mutual indulgence isn't sexual, I would argue its primarily affection and romance driven, and this has added to the weight of ‘wow someone can want me outside of the end goal of sex, affection can exist without it’. Importantly, this relationship clicked a lot more things in place as I continued my ‘celibacy’. Wow, it's incredible to sleep with someone you are actually attracted to (i had known this from my angels but still, wow), and I don’t actually desire sex as much as I was performing it. I’m a romantic at heart, I would rather have all the affection in the world than sex ever again. This experience really helped me untangle that I have extreme romantic attraction, not necessarily sexual, I just didn't know one could exist without the other. Additionally, I experience a lot of aesthetic attraction. I have several types, and I truly just love admiring people. I think people are beautiful, I think nudity should be less sexual, bodies should be admired outside of that context. I will crush on people easily and hard, but its very much a ‘wow youre beautiful’ to ‘ wow i really want to hold your hand’ before it's ever a sexual one.
It’s not that I don’t experience sexual attraction, I most definitely do, but it's very specific, I would consider myself demi. It takes me a moment to want sex with someone, and over time I can develop attraction for those I’ve known for a while even if they don’t fall under ‘my type’ romantically or aesthetically. Even then my desire for sex fluctuates between neutral and averse, mostly around neutral. There have been times i’ve been freaked out, but 80% of the time I'd rather not, but maybe 10% sure ok 10% absolutely not. So maybe also gray ace?
TL;DR I guess, I would consider myself demisexual or even gray ace. If we are getting into niche labels I really fuck with caedsexual because my sexuality is extremely informed by my trauma. I’m not ace because of my trauma, but it adds layers and intricacies I don’t think would exist without it. I want to kiss and hold hands and adore people, and sometimes, rarely, I wanna do more. But even then the more extends to like, hand stuff and dry humping lol. I kinda hate it took me 10 years and someone else to help me figure it out, but at least now I know, and can carry myself to this standard. I deserve romance without sex, and it is possible. Truthfully the doors opened to many more beautiful types of relationships and I’m excited about it. Everyone get a little more aroace NOW and realize the spectrum of love and expression thats possible im so fucking serious. (god thats smth else i could write how my moirail being aro has taught me so much about love and the ways it shows up in our life and other forms of it are so decentered its actually awful.)