1-2-26 Happy New Year!
there are no content warnings for this entry
First entry of the new year! Happy 2026 :3 How fucking grateful I am to leave 2025 behind.
For all the horrors I really did accomplish A LOT last year, I left an abusive relationship, I applied and will be
starting college finally, went to SO MANY concerts and on so many adventures with new friends. I also started this website!
I’m super excited to keep rambling here and keep updating this as I go along. Right now my focus is getting the rest of the
website UP and then I can start on more entries.
I did a lot of self-reflection and discovered a lot about myself in December and these last couple of days. I realized
that I am way too forgiving, I let people use my heart and kill my shine for the slight chance of approval or love, I will not
let that happen again. I found so many important friends last year that showed me I am loved exactly the way I am and there's nothing I
need to hide about myself. Not only that, but I didn’t deserve what I went through and deserve the world, it finally feels like the love I
gave is coming back to me. I loved and got burned for it pretty badly, but I persist nevertheless. And knowing myself I have fallen again, to be
honest ‘fallen’ is so harsh because it felt like a natural build up of affection. We’ve decided to stay friends because we both have so much going
on and to work on, but he’s worth working for. That sounds selfish, and maybe I am in that i do wish there may be something more(sometime in the future,
but also honestly terrified of anything changing i don’t want to lose this kind of love), BUT I’m not really? working for him, I’m working for myself
first. I’m happy where we are now, and I’m all the more richer and becoming a better person for it. He's one of the special few that’s shown me I am worth it, and deserve the effort and care.
It’s nice to pour it into myself, and I can go into the new year loving that much harder because of it. I know you’re like one of the 5 people that will read this, so thank you again ♡
you really do mean the world to me. He’s not the only one either, there’s been so many that have helped me stay sane and feel loved, I feel like I’m finally building the family I’ve wanted
and needed for so long. Thank you L&T for making my birthday so special and always making me feel so loved, I really do need to make the trip to see yall again soon. And of course to my moirail,
for being there for 10 years now holy shiiit bro. AND JOLLY thank you for being one of the closest mutuals I have and always listening to me beat the same dead horse into glue.
I’m leaving that horse behind I promise.
I’m going into the new year with love and safety and I couldn't have done it without my friends and family, I love you all so much and so dearly.
Cheers to the year of the horse, I’m ready to charge ahead full speed into the dog I was meant to be and life I’m meant to have.
1-27-26 sexuality rambles
cw: kink and sex mention but not explicit
It is 5 am and I am really too high I should be going to sleep but I'm journaling.
Going into the new year I've really been thinking of myself, learning to deal with loneliness. I do not miss my ex and
that relationship at all, I am glad it's over, but I do miss being in love with someone and having someone close I could give
affection too. It would have been better if it was returned but anyways. I miss loving, i miss caring and doting. I know I will
find people that will return the same care, I kinda already do with my friends, I certainly feel it, but yk its still not quite the same.
There's many things I enjoy about being single, although most of it is just specifics of not having to deal with certain things from my
previous relationship, things i know wouldn't happen in a healthier one. Painfully lonely though, but finally being able to process
the last 5 years and a few other events really having me evaluating what i want and what ill give in a relationship. which eventually
led me down some rabbit hole of a sexuality crisis. This isn't the first time i've questioned myself about being somewhere kinda demisexual
but the first time i've really been able to untangle a lot of things clearly. I think I really struggled because i couldn't tell the difference
between my hypersexuality, kink, and sexual attraction. hypersexuality is genuinely so fucking distressing I hate it so much. I hate my thoughts,
I hate how compulsive it is and feeds into my mania, I hate how much I indulged in it last year. It gets worse for me when I'm really going
through shit and last year was awful. But the end of last year I was coming out of the worst of my mania and met someone who really made
me think about myself more, and the person i want to be. It was a moment that i think really helped me separate my attraction and affliction.
It was one of the few times i had genuinely felt connected and appreciated, and clicked the differences of almost every encounter before.
They were compulsive, and truthfully not really attraction. It wasnt *me*. The separate issue i had was kink and attraction, but
kink has become something that is increasingly getting less sexual to me and more spiritual? A devotion to the body and expression,
i mean dont get me wrong its still a hundred percent a pervert thing but like, a non sexual freak? i'm making sense to only myself and that's
ok. There's something so beautiful about the trust and care about the dynamics of kink when they are explored lovingly and safely. I also see
kink outside of romantic, sexual, and platonic relationships. kink can cross over into one or all of the above for me.
I realized that I can admit when people are attractive and yes I have a type, but my romantic feelings will come far faster and a lot bigger and
deeper than sexual feelings will. Additionally, i think I'm just genuinely attracted to connection, and that is an intimacy of itself. I've found
some friends that I really have no romantic interest at all, but increasingly finding them more attractive the closer we get. I am an honest
believer in fucking your friends, its not for everyone, but idk, you can a hundred percent have a sexual and platonic relationship. I know sexual
and romantic relationships are largely considered exclusive to each other but i think its cool and awesome to explore beyond that. being mature
adults and communicating is the biggest part, and sometimes, you just want to fuck your friends, shrugs. Love is shown in many ways, its cool
to let in as much of it as you can. I think that's why even if i do end up in a monogamous relationship, ill always consider myself poly to
some degree. my view of love and its forms and expression are not rooted in monogamy in any way. like relationships are split into 4
categories. Platonic, Romantic, Sexual, Kink. Feel free to mix and match or just one, I think its natural for a lot of things to overlap,
especially out of what we traditionally expect. Its really one of the beautiful things i think I've gotten to experience is the complex
singularities and multitudes, and the love that comes with it. I never want to confine myself from love in any form. Complex things but i
like articulating myself. After 3 years of being nothing and lost I like discovering who I am and dissecting it. It keeps me grounded in an
insane way.
i think i like the label demisexual, always subject to change lol, and with all my dissection i still largely say queer, but it's nice to say.
like really say it somewhere. this year, and ideally as long as i live, I'm going to deal with my hypersexuality and honor the way i wish i
could really escalate things? poor way of wording, but I'm going to take my time and appreciate connections more and not give into my
intrusive thoughts. Despite being able to dissect things that doesn't mean i don't carry weird feelings about myself personally. Heavily
trauma based but I get really intense feelings of having to sexualize myself for people to like me, in platonic and romantic settings,
even way before I'm ideally ready to actually explore that. I don't need to do that, and even if I'm not moving 'as fast' as someone wants
i don't have to force myself along. I want to relax and appreciate and love how I really do my next relationships. I know that the right
people will love me the way i love too. I'm going to slow down, and appreciate the love I do have, I don't need to rush into another hot
mess just because I'm lonely.
1-31-2026 looking back in annoyance
content warning: really just emotional blabber but sex, sa, and kink mention. this one is a long one woops
truthfully I'm really surprised how I've been handling, everything. I think the biggest reason I'm not as affected by things
with my ex is because I had checked out of that relationship a long time before we broke up, and the year following living with
them cemented all my feelings of doneness. But fuck if I'm still not fucked up by the situationship that followed after.
There's a part of me that is thankful for it, ultimately if they hadn't taken me out and shown me a brief slice of life I
wouldn't have fought so hard to get out of my relationship. I think I am also thankful they fucked everything up, taught me that
some things are really not worth holding on to and no matter how sweet the words actions still scream louder. It just reminded me of
high school all over again, I'm fun! but, i am not serious. You can kiss and touch and fuck but, there's no obligation to stay, or do
anything more because I'll make up the difference.
I really felt something with them, it would be a lie if i didn't have one of those ' i think i am supposed to have met you moments'
but in hindsight I know it wasn't for the reasons I thought. A lesson learned, at least this one was handsome.
It's fucked up I know but there's a tiny part that takes comfort they still carry me around, with an arguably worse version of
me in a shitty relationship where neither can respect or acknowledge each other. And it was their own choice, one they willingly
made and continued, despite crying into my arms and swearing up and down it should've been me instead. "If I had met you 3 months
sooner" and crying the day you make it official, "I love him, i think, I don't know, but I want to try" it's been a year and it's
still not working you think you can fix a house that was built on a broken foundation? Good luck and good riddance. I don't check
their socials anymore, and I have them blocked because even though i like to entertain the thought of them looking back on me and
being sick with what they lost, they don't even deserve to know that. Anyways, I checked their socials one last time, end of december
and I'm not surprised they still wear the collar, tag, and carabiner I got them. Sure they burned me, and I can't take my skin off,
but they still *choose* to carry me. Which says a lot. I just hate how everytime I said goodbye they said they loved me, because you
don't treat people you love like that. Coward, self admitted too!! I'm glad to be done with them.
But all that and a few more key events last year really clicked the things I want in my next relationship. Being single has given me
so much thinking time! for better or worse. I deserve better, I'm not a convenience. I want someone that shares my interests, someone
who is excited over my projects, even if they don't understand them to at least look when I'm sharing instead of a turned back and a
'yeah i saw' as a response. I want someone who is genuinely attracted to me and doesn't compare me to their previous partners or make
comments about the kind of body they wish I had. I want someone who respects my consent and my body, someone who doesn't feel entitled to it.
I want someone that can play as much as sit down and be an adult and take care of things. Someone that can communicate their feelings clearly instead of lying.
I want to build a future with someone really. Someones even. I think that's why I'm holding myself to a standard of even if I meet
someone, I'm not going to indulge in dating or more until I get more of myself figured out. It's not fair to expect some semblance of togetherness when I'm unemployed and can't drive.
Especially since the few people I am currently yearning for are miles away and I would like to see them. I mean, long distance wouldn't
work for any of us, that's already been discussed, but my ' can make it work' brain is still, coping with that. I need to swallow the
pill that none of these relationships will work. I don't think they will ever go beyond friendship and that's ok! i love them all so
dearly and still forever grateful but it's still hard. there's so many factors for all of them, long distance, emotional availability,
returned affections being the biggest one lol. but i dont know, i dont know if i want to admit that yet. I'm so fucking lonely out here
and my flirtations and daydreams and hopes kinda of keep me grounded a little bit. A little less lonely and scared. being, really in
love with one of them is not helping though. too much, i'm terrified of how real my feelings are getting and admittedly it is getting
harder to separate platonic and romatic feelings for him. I am scared of having to step away to figure myself out, but he is also one
of the few constants in my life and i really, have been relying on that too much truthfully. its a hell of drug. I feel understood
and close the same way I felt with Lucky, but so much more secure because he's not a fucking coward. Our date is something I will
hold close, so so close!! but starting to accept there won't be another one. I think i know what changed, but i have an itch there's
more to it? I'm probably being paranoid and there is nothing, i just wish i could read minds and know every thought someone has about me
and exactly how they feel. I also wish my brain didn't go into 'oh i fucked that up maybe i can fix this' when i was told it wasn't me.
I love him, he knows that, I just, gotta slowly kill these feelings before I fuck this up, he is a friend I don't want to lose, and I
don't want my perpetual fallin to affect that. The want aches but I'll get over it eventually.
i'm just a lover, I miss loving, i miss being loved. I would like to actually be loved.I'm doing my best to channel this into myself
because truthfully even if there was a chance for anything to work out I still dont think I am worthy. I'm doing what I can so I can be a
good partner, someone worth loving. someone worth choosing. I also really need to get these burns covered. Either branded by people that
actually care about me or tattooed over. I hinted at it when we were still flirting but, i still really would like if he did. I'd like to
feel safe and close again.